Meet our expert: Karyn Garossino, Associate Trainer
“How do you collaborate with someone who is different from you in personality, style, or approach?”
- Assertiveness: the ability to contribute and communicate your own perspective with conviction.
- Co-operation: an equal willingness to understand and integrate the other person’s view.
Diversity: The Advantage and the Risk
Differences in personality, style, and perspective are not obstacles; they are assets. Research shows that diverse teams often outperform homogeneous ones because they bring varied perspectives, unique knowledge, and deeper problem-solving capacity. However, diversity only leads to better performance when it’s managed properly. Without effective interactions, differences can amplify conflict, miscommunication, and breakdowns in cohesion. That’s the risk McKinsey and others have highlighted: diverse teams can either perform brilliantly or fail spectacularly depending on how they engage with one another. So the first step in collaborating with someone different is not to wish away those differences; it’s to welcome them, and reframe them as advantages. See differences not as barriers, but as opportunities to expand what’s possible. When someone’s style or perspective differs from yours, that’s not a threat; it’s new data. It’s an invitation to learn something new and explore another approach. To do this, you must be intentional about:- Setting aside your default approach long enough to understand how their thinking works.
- Asking questions to truly explore the other person’s priorities, assumptions, and logic.
- Active listening, where your goal is to nurture a trusting environment.
- Holding both stories as true – yours, theirs – and then creating a shared story together.
- Position yourself with the other person, not opposite them.
- Focus together on the problem, not on each other.
- Use a shared surface (whiteboard, document, screen) where both contributions and perspectives are captured and visible.
- “How do you see this unfolding?”
- “What matters most to you here?”
- “What’s your biggest concern?”
- “Where might we be missing something?”
Key Takeaways:
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Collaboration ≠ Compromise. It’s Expansion. If you’re “meeting in the middle,” you’re probably shrinking the outcome. Real collaboration grows the pie by combining strengths, not trading them off. The goal isn’t to protect your idea, it’s to create a better one together.
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Differences Are Data, Not Disruptions. When someone’s style or thinking throws you off, that’s not friction, it’s information. High-performing teams treat difference as an input to improve the solution, not a hurdle to overcome.
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Psychological Safety Is the Multiplier. Diversity only pays off when people feel safe to speak, question, and challenge. If you’re defending or persuading, you’re shutting down performance. If you’re curious and inquiring, you’re unlocking it.
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Get on the Same Side of the Table, Literally and Mentally. Opposite sides create opposition. Side-by-side creates partnership. Shift your posture, share the surface (whiteboard, doc, screen), and aim your energy at the problem, not the person. It’s a simple move that changes the whole dynamic.
When people picture elite sport, they usually imagine the glory: the medals, the anthem, the moment everything comes together. What they don’t often see is the psychological turbulence underneath those performances – the doubt, fear, shame, and self-recrimination that show up when things don’t go according to plan.
Years ago, Third Factor founder Peter Jensen was working with a Canadian national team that was, by all measures, one of the best in the world. They were perennial contenders, a program with history and swagger. And yet, in the first days of a world championship, everything came undone. They lost to their arch-rivals badly, and the shock was devastating.
We’re always navigating the gap between what is and what ought to be. That gap hurts. But the hurt is meaningful. And if we can help people explore that meaning, we unlock the very thing that allows them to grow.
By the next morning, the athletes stood in the hotel lobby looking hollowed-out. Angry. Embarrassed. Anxious. They knew the tournament was short. They knew another loss could knock them out. And they knew they were at risk of spiraling.
This is the territory we work in every day – not just in sport, but in business, education, and leadership. People experiencing disappointment, failure, or the deep discomfort of not living up to their own expectations. As psychologist Kazimierz Dabrowski wrote, we’re always navigating the gap between what is and what ought to be. That gap hurts. But the hurt is meaningful. And if we can help people explore that meaning, we unlock the very thing that allows them to grow.
What follows is how Peter helped that team turn a moment of psychological crisis into the fuel that carried them to a gold medal, not despite their negative emotions, but because of them.
01.
Acknowledge the pain and help people observe it
02.
Move toward compassion, not criticism
03.
Help them find the meaning inside the pain
1. Acknowledge the pain and help people observe it
When Peter asked the players how they were feeling that morning, they didn’t hold back: awful, embarrassed, sad, angry. A typical response might have been reassurance: You’ll be fine, shake it off, don’t worry about it. But reassurance rarely helps; it often makes people feel more alone in their emotions. Instead, Peter simply said: “Yeah. You look awful.”
It may sound blunt, but it wasn’t judgmental. It was observational. It told the players: I see you. What you’re feeling makes sense. Let’s look at it together.
When the strength coach announced they’d be doing lunges at practice, Peter asked: “How are you going to look doing lunges? How will your teammates know you’re back?” These were reflective questions not about the loss, but about how they were showing up in response to it. They invited the players to step outside themselves and observe what was happening internally. This is the first job of a coach in hard moments: Help people dis-identify from the emotion without dismissing it and let them see the feeling rather than become the feeling.2. Move toward compassion, not criticism
Negative emotions become destructive not because they exist, but because we weaponize them against ourselves. We interpret them as proof: I’m not good enough. I’ll never perform. I don’t belong here. A coach must interrupt that spiral. Peter did this in an unexpected way. That morning, a staff member had told a long, mundane story about buying a T-shirt on sale. The players had zero patience for it. Peter asked the staff member to tell the story again to the entire team. Afterwards, he asked: “Why did he buy that T-shirt?”. Eventually someone answered: “Because he got a good deal.” Peter replied: “Right. He wasn’t going to overpay. He knows what shirts are worth. You guys are overpaying right now.” No judgment. Just compassion and perspective. The point was simple: Don’t pay more than the moment is worth. You lost a game. It hurts. But don’t add interest by beating yourselves up. A coach helps people see the whole truth, not the narrow, distorted version they’re stuck inside.3. Help them find the meaning inside the pain
That afternoon, the team played a weaker opponent and won only 2–0. Instead of relief, they felt further proof that they were failing. So Peter gathered them and asked each player to share what it meant to represent their country. What surfaced were stories of parents driving endless hours to practices, communities fundraising to support them, comebacks from injury, and dreams that had taken years to build. It was emotional. And it was clarifying. The problem wasn’t that they had lost a game. The problem was that they weren’t living up to what the opportunity meant to them. And when people reconnect with meaning, they reconnect with agency. They can choose how to move forward. From that point on, Peter reinforced that meaning daily: At practice: “An American player woke up today preparing to face you in the gold medal game. How are you preparing?” In the weight room: “Can you improve 1% today? What will you do to show you’re getting better?” By naming their pain and understanding its purpose the team turned the emotional energy inward, toward growth instead of self-attack. They never lost another game. They won the gold medal.When negative feelings become a weapon
Negative emotions are not the problem. What hurts performance is when people interpret those emotions as evidence of inadequacy: “I failed, therefore I’m a failure.” This is the voice of the critic – a destructive internal narrator that convinces us we’re incapable of growth or unworthy of success. A coach’s role is to challenge that voice by asking better questions:- What is this feeling signaling?
- What is the conflict between what is and what ought to be?
- And what does this moment make possible?
The takeaway for leaders and coaches
Whether you’re leading a national team or a project team, the principles are the same:- Acknowledge negative feelings without trying to eliminate them.
- Help people step back and observe their internal state.
- Guide them toward understanding what the discomfort is pointing to.
Meet our expert: Garry Watanabe, Principal Trainer & Sport Lead
“What is the difference between leadership and coaching?”
The insight: It’s about who chooses the destination
Leadership is about having a vision, enlisting others, keeping the group on course and sustaining motivation on the journey. Coaching is about helping someone clarify their destination, navigate their obstacles, and keep going when the waters get rough. Is there overlap? Of course. Am I missing something? Almost certainly. Both leadership and coaching are about movement – helping people go from here to there. The question is: who chooses the destination?Key Takeaways:
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Leadership is about setting a vision, mobilizing people, and sustaining group motivation toward a shared goal.
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Coaching focuses on helping an individual move from where they are to where they want to go: clarifying goals, removing barriers, and offering support.
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Leadership involves choosing direction and rallying others; coaching helps someone articulate their own destination and progress toward it.
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Both involve movement and growth, but differ primarily in who defines the goal.
“The Kingdom of Prep” chronicles the evolution of J.Crew, charting its rise from a modest mail-order catalog in 1983 to a powerhouse in American fashion. Drawing on interviews with insiders and industry experts, Maggie Bullock offers a vivid portrait of the brand’s ascent, its cultural significance, and the hurdles it faced in a rapidly shifting retail landscape. Blending fashion, business, and cultural commentary, The Kingdom of Prep provides a compelling look at how a brand can both influence, and be influenced by, the cultural zeitgeist.
“From the Ashes” by Jesse Thistle is a powerful memoir of abandonment, addiction, and survival. Thistle’s journey from homelessness to becoming a celebrated scholar offers a raw, inspiring look at the resilience of the human spirit and sheds light on the struggles faced by Indigenous peoples in Canada. I recommend it because engaging with Canadian history through the lived experience of a Canadian author offers a meaningful and intellectually enriching way to deepen my understanding of my country’s complex social and cultural landscape. Jesse Thistle is Métis-Cree, from Prince Albert, Saskatchewan. He teaches Métis Studies at York University in Toronto, where he lives. He won a Governor General’s Academic Medal in 2016, and was a Pierre Elliot Trudeau Scholar and a Vanier Scholar.
With all the greenery of summer, what better time is there to connect to our literal and figurative roots! Feghali’s book offers a captivating journey into cultural history and ancestral herbalism of the Levant (the “Middle East”). Through beautifully woven stories of folk healing and plant medicine, her book provides a unique and slightly esoteric lens for understanding the often unseen yet profound connection many folks we lead and coach have with their cultural homelands. It’s a great summer read for those seeking an insightful yet gentle exploration of identity belonging, and the powerful ties between peoples, plants, herbs, and ancestral lands.
“10x Is Easier Than 2x” challenges the idea that success comes from working harder and making small improvements. Instead, Hardy argues real success comes from thinking bigger, focusing on what truly matters, and making bold, transformative changes. The book offers a strong core message: aiming for 10x growth requires letting go of the familiar and concentrating on your unique strengths. It encourages you to let go of what’s “good” to pursue extraordinary goals. It offers an inspiring roadmap for breaking through limitations and achieving extraordinary results. It’s a perfect summer read, where the season offers us the time to have the capacity and energy for reflection and renewal, making it a great time to narrow your focus, gain clarity, and embrace the idea of doing less to achieve so much more.
“Challenger” is a tour de force. Author Adam Higginbotham manages to combine a thoroughly researched history of the US space program, culminating in a minute-by-minute breakdown of the Challenger disaster, with deeply personal portraits of both the astronauts and NASA pioneers. Throughout, he shows how the pressure to deliver can warp decision-making, change the way we think about risk and, ultimately, lead to catastrophe – even amongst hugely intelligent and well-meaning groups of people. It’s the rare non-fiction book that is both a gripping, narrative-driven story and also deeply insightful.
In the theme of all that is old is new again, this summer I’ll be reading “The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy” by Douglas Adams. After 40 years of friends, family and co-workers commenting on the deceptive brilliance (and humour) of this book that has fathered a thousand memes – it’s time for me to take the plunge and see what the fuss is still about. If it lives up to its hype, then maybe it’s time for me to cue up the similarly hyped “The Wire” on my appropriate streaming service. The added bonus of my selection is that I have no shortage of people willing to lend me a copy.
Historical fiction is the means by which I travel and learn when my feet are up in the summer. If you love a literary escape too, this substantial read is incredibly satisfying. With a backdrop of political unrest in Ethiopia, then healthcare in the USA, this immersion into the world of medicine is an emotionally compelling family epic. Through a complex web of life stories it is deeply informative about the human condition, our strengths and deficits, and how destinies unfold through tragedy, compassion and expertise. The author is a medical doctor and Stanford professor whose writing is detailed, realistic and moving. This ranks as one of my favourite novels ever.
So many of our conversations feel highly charged these days, like we’re all one comment away from a full-blown debate. In “Outraged”, psychologist Kurt Gray explores why moral outrage has become such a dominant part of public life and what it reveals about human nature. Without minimizing the seriousness of injustice or pretending we can all just “get along,” Gray looks at why we react the way we do to controversial issues, and how our brains are wired to divide the world into heroes and villains. It won’t solve polarization overnight, but it just might help us talk about divisive issues with a little more empathy and a little less heat.
“Sound Man” is a fun and entertaining journey through rock and roll history as told through the eyes of legendary producer and recording engineer Glyn Johns. Johns recorded some of the most famous rock albums of all time by the biggest names in music. His tone is refreshingly no-nonsense, often tinged with dry British wit which I so enjoy. Three rather unexpected reminders I took away from the book were: 1. The value of making connections: never shy away from meeting new people 2. Always be ready to improvise: the ability to think on your feet can be helpful in any situation, 3. Don’t make assumptions: always better to ask than assume.
This summer as I have time to think more deeply, the book I am going to dive into is The Good Fight by Liane Davey. This book challenges the myth that great teams are conflict-free and instead shows how healthy, productive conflict is essential for trust, innovation, and performance. Liane Davey offers practical tools to help you surface tough issues, navigate disagreement with respect, and build a culture where real collaboration can thrive. This book promises to shift how you think about conflict, and teach you how to harness the underlying energy to make changes and gain greater clarity, courage, and connection. If you are also reading it this summer – please share with me the points that most resonate with you and why. I love hearing real stories and examples from the brilliant minds I have the pleasure of connecting with.
I highly recommend “When The World Fell Silent,” a great fictional story that centres on the very real Halifax explosion of 1917 – which was the most powerful explosion in world history until the nuclear blasts at the end of World War II. Weaving multiple intertwined storylines together, it is a terrific mix of history and story-telling that is both moving and fascinating.
“The Culture Map” is one of those books I wish someone had slipped into my backpack years ago. It’s a smart and practical guide to navigating the often invisible cultural differences that shape how we communicate, give feedback, make decisions, and lead in global teams. Back in my days as an athlete, I traveled the world thinking I was pretty adaptable, until I found myself confused in a dozen different languages, misreading cues, and wondering why what worked in one country totally flopped in another. It turns out that “figuring it out as you go” is not a solid cross-cultural strategy (who knew?). Fast-forward to today, I see similar dynamics playing out in the global teams I support. The same awkward moments, just with more Zoom calls and fewer passports. Erin’s book sheds light on why those bumps might be happening and offers a clear, often entertaining way to understand and navigate them. Her stories are relatable, funny, and a little too familiar at times!
If you like a book with great characters, lots of heart and humour along with big doses of hope for the human race this is a great novel; one of my favourites of the year. I found it completely captivating, insightful, and heart warming. It is almost impossible to relay ‘the story’ – there are so many subplots. It is about the lives of people living in a small, poor community made up of European immigrants and Black Americans in the thirties. Their community borders a white, Christian town. There is a mystery to be solved, a boy to be saved, and a community of characters that elevates humanity in spite of our diversity, oddities, and flaws. An underlying moral compass around facing life’s challenges, augmented with some mischief, pervades the book, all relayed with a wonderfully non judgemental perspective and a light touch.
While uncertainty and change present an array of challenges for today’s leaders, a less obvious one is the need to coach for confidence.
Confidence – the inner belief by an individual in their capacity to successfully meet the demands of a performance situation – is an ephemeral quality or state of mind. It’s difficult to observe, quantify or measure, and yet it’s an undeniable performance enabler. When people are confident, they can more fully express their capabilities, and are more willing to make decisions, innovate and take calculated risks.
When the New Zealand men’s National Curling Team undertook a largely self-funded move to Calgary, Alberta to enhance their preparation for the 2024 World Championships, they encountered a frustrating obstacle: rental housing was scarce and expensive. Cassandra Murray, a Retirement Living Consultant with Chartwell, one of Canada’s largest owner-operators of retirement residences, saw their appeal for help on social media and reached out with an offer: the team could stay at the Chartwell Colonel Belcher retirement village during their 2-3 month stay.
Now, having a group of young athletes sharing a living space with a group of retirement residents is not without its risks, but Cassandra saw an opportunity that she was confident could provide huge benefits for all involved. The outcome was not only a heartwarming story, but a win for the team, the residents, the staff and the organization.
Three-quarters of the New Zealand men’s national curling team in 2023.
And that’s the key thing. When we are truly confident, we think win-win. When we lose confidence, we play not-to-lose.
What follows are two practical approaches that we have seen effective leaders use to support the confidence of their people as they navigate change:
01.
Clarify strengths AND how to apply them in the new environment.
02.
Focus on progress, not perfection.
Clarify strengths AND how to apply them in the new environment
During times of significant change, people sometimes lose sight of their strengths or are unsure of how to apply them in new circumstances. As a leader, you may not have all the answers about how things will operate in the future, but you can help your team regain a sense of direction by reconnecting them with their core strengths and how to leverage them in a new environment.
Start by revisiting familiar ground. Encourage your team members to reflect on their past successes and identify the strengths that contributed to those achievements. Ask them specific questions that prompt introspection:
- Where have you been most successful in your current role?
- What skills or abilities helped you achieve those outcomes?
By guiding them through this process, you help them rebuild a foundation of confidence based on what they already know about themselves.
Once individuals have reconnected with their strengths, the conversation should then shift to the new environment. Discuss how their roles are changing, what challenges they anticipate, and what aspects of the new setup feel most daunting. From there, work together to identify ways their existing strengths can be applied to these new challenges. This process of translation—helping individuals see how their strengths remain relevant—creates a bridge between the past and the future.
Focus on progress, not perfection
The second coaching tool you can apply is to help people see progress. A proven track record of accomplishments is a huge source of confidence to rebut doubts, fears and voice of your inner critic. One of the challenges we face when we go through significant change is that we lose that track record. We’ve been successful in the environment and conditions of the past – but have a blank slate moving forward. And so, building a new track record becomes vital.
Start by creating a roadmap that identifies where they want to be six months or a year down the road, and then add-in markers of progress along the way. When our founder, Dr. Peter Jensen, works with a team one of the first things he does is create a visual staircase in which the bottom is the current moment, the top is the target (e.g., “Make the Paralympic team” or “win an Olympic Medal”) and the individual stairs are the key milestones. These can be skill-building initiatives, for example holding week-long winter training camp, or important accomplishments, such as finishing in the top 2 at a qualifying tournament.
It is remarkable how often high performers take for granted how much they know and have learned along the way. The goal for the coach is to highlight that growth and make it visible to the performer.
Once the staircase has been created, get them moving forward with a singular focus on the next step. The smaller the better. When a technical expert with a large US wealth management firm described how she got seasoned investment advisors to be comfortable using Zoom technology for client meetings during the Covid-19 pandemic, she replied “one meeting per day”. She scheduled a daily 15-minute zoom meeting with some of her veteran advisors to get them comfortable being onscreen and to allow them to play around with the technology in a safe, non-judgmental environment.
The value in having the overall framework is twofold. First, it helps the individuals embrace a learning mindset. Peter often reminds teams that “we’re going back to school” and that the key objectives are learning, practice, and improvement – all of which are under our control.
Second, having the roadmap allows the coach to periodically help the individuals and team step back and connect with the progress they have made. This can be particularly useful during a tough slog when it feels like nothing is getting done, or when a set-back occurs to help the team get past the disappointment by reminding them of how much has already been accomplished. It is remarkable how often high performers take for granted how much they know and have learned along the way. The goal for the coach is to highlight that growth and make it visible to the performer.
In Summary
Confidence is essential to sustaining courage through change, but confidence is ephemeral – and building it can be tricky: coaching for confidence requires empathy and a willingness to meet people where they are. With a twin focus on helping people see how their strengths can be applied in a new environment, and helping them connect with progress and small wins as they adapt, you can help them remain the bold, adaptable go-getters you know them to be.
At Third Factor, we’ve spent over four decades working at the intersection of business and sport. Our programs have always been shaped by the high-performance principles used by Olympic coaches, elite athletes, and championship teams. Today, we’re proud to deepen that connection with the formation of our Sport Advisory Board—a small, purpose-driven group of leaders who are shaping the future of sport. The Sport Advisory Board is an extension of our deep involvement in sport, and our philosophy that we find the best ideas by cross-pollinating ideas across different domains. It will help ensure that our offerings in the corporate world stay grounded in the latest insights from high-performance environments. Just as importantly, it provides a space for these sport leaders to access our coaching, consulting, and facilitation services to support their work developing athletes, teams, and organizations. We’re honoured to introduce the inaugural members of the Third Factor Sport Advisory Board:Mel Davidson
Debbie Low
Jesse Lumsden
Tracy Wilson
Confronting is a Coaching Conversation
Confronting is a coaching conversation. It doesn’t fit neatly with the popular notion that coaching is just about asking good questions, but watching Olympic coaches operate, as we have for 30 years, makes one thing very clear: having the courage to have a direct conversation when needed is vital to helping someone reach their highest potential. In fact, avoiding a difficult conversation about something that’s preventing a person’s success is the opposite of good coaching. That’s why confronting is one of the four core communication skills in our 3×4 Coaching model, and one that builds on the other three communication skills – questioning, listening, and feedback. It’s not the first or most frequent approach that coaches reach for, but it’s an important part of the overall coaching skill set. Knowing that you can navigate complex, high-stakes conversations is part of what underpins your confidence as a leader.
Choose Your Challenge
Having a confronting conversation with Leo is going to be challenging because I don’t want to damage our relationship. It doesn’t take tremendous courage to call up the airline after my flight was delayed and demand a refund because I only care about getting compensated, not my relationship with the customer service representative. But Leo is one of the strongest performers on my team and I want to have a good relationship after this conversation. It’s also going to be challenging because Leo has been resisting making this change and now it’s getting in the way of his success. This isn’t just a straightforward piece of feedback anymore. There are real stakes. If Leo’s behaviour continues, we could end up in the realm of more formal performance management channels.“When done effectively, these conversations can resolve the issue at hand, build the other person’s commitment to making progress, and strengthen the relationship.”It’s easy to see the threats in these conversations but there are also potential benefits. When done effectively, these conversations can resolve the issue at hand, build the other person’s commitment to making progress, and strengthen the relationship if they see you as someone who holds them to a high standard yet cares about them and respects them. So, I choose my challenge: I can avoid the conversation and deal with the fallout – Leo’s behaviour continues, our relationship becomes strained as my frustration seeps out, and I lose credibility with other people who see me allowing this behaviour to continue. Or I can face the discomfort of addressing the issue head-on and put my coaching skills to the test.
Connection Before Correction
Once I decide to address the issue, how do I have this conversation in a way that not only protects our relationship but gets Leo committed to making a change? It starts before I even enter the conversation. Often, we fall into the trap of thinking that we need to emotionally distance ourselves from the other person in order to be “tough” or objective. But it’s our relationship with the other person that’s the foundation for coaching them. I cannot coach Leo if I lose my connection to him. So rather than distancing myself, I start by strengthening my connection to Leo. I put myself in his shoes and explore the most generous, plausible story I can come up with for why he might be acting this way. Maybe he’s under a lot of pressure that is leaving him with little patience. Maybe I’m not aware of some underlying tension with his teammates. Or maybe Leo is so enthusiastic about his ideas that he doesn’t realize he’s shutting down other people. I choose the story that most strengthens my connection to Leo because it puts me in a mindset to engage in this conversation in a direct but caring way. I also need to get clear on the specific change I want to see – not all the ripple effects of Leo’s dismissive behaviour, or the fact that I’m also irritated because he was late for our team meeting yesterday – but the specific gap between what I need to see from him and what I’m currently getting.Open Strong
Next, I need to prepare my opening statement. This will set the tone and direction for the conversation. Without carefully crafting and practicing my opening, things can go sideways quickly. I could fall into the trap of starting with a sneak attack, “Well Leo, I guess you know why we’re having this conversation…” Or I might unleash my pent-up frustration and anger, leaving Leo like a deer in the headlights trying to respond. Or I might revert to the classic “feedback sandwich”, muddying my message and leaving Leo guessing at what I really mean. An effective opening is short – less than 60 seconds – and clearly articulates the specific behaviour that needs to change, the impact of that behaviour, what’s at stake if it doesn’t change, and my desire to work together to reach a resolution. “Leo, I want to talk to you about a pattern of dismissing input from your peers. For example, in yesterday’s meeting, Sarah raised a concern about the project timeline. You interrupted and said, ‘That’s not really an issue.’ I felt worried that you dismissed her question because I’ve noticed people hesitating to speak up in front of you. This can affect your ability to get the information needed to make good decisions and manage the concerns of staff. Advancing in this organization depends on your ability to build relationships and collaborate effectively. I haven’t been entirely clear on the importance of this, and that’s on me. I want to find a way to modify this behaviour. What are your thoughts?”Drop Your Agenda
After delivering my opening, it would be great if Leo said, “got it boss, no problem.” But that’s not what typically happens. I’m likely to get resistance – anger, excuses, deflection, or awkward silence. Counter-intuitively, that resistance is not something to fight against or try to “objection handle”; instead, I need to recognize that the path to a solution is through the resistance. So instead of defending my position, I drop my agenda and lean in to explore the resistance I’m getting from Leo. Questioning and listening are the critical coaching skills at this stage of the conversation. Questions to deepen and clarify my understanding of his story: Can you say more about that? Could you give me an example? What is significant about that? And active listening to draw the person out and check for understanding: So, what you’re saying is…, Let me see if I have this right… I stick with asking questions and listening until I can summarize what we call “the third story.” The third story represents all of what is true for me and what is true for Leo. It’s like I have a bucket, and I keep adding things into the bucket. I don’t take anything out and try to solve it yet. I just add things until we’ve collected all of what is true for both of us.
“So, to summarize, I need you to listen to the concerns and questions of your teammates and address them. It’s frustrating for you to have to consider other people’s concerns as you’ve already thought it all through. Further discussion is unnecessary, slows you down, and may interfere with you hitting your numbers. Do I have that right?”
I don’t necessarily have to agree with Leo’s perspective, but I need to get to a place where I understand him, where I can summarize his point of view in a way that he says, “yes, that’s it.” And if that’s not it, then I keep asking questions until we get to the core of the issue. It’s not until we reach that point that we can start problem solving.
It’s this final stage of the conversation that is often more comfortable and familiar – generating options and agreeing on a path forward. It’s best if most of the options come from Leo so that he owns how he wants to move forward but I can offer ideas as well. Together we can agree on a plan and next steps. Be sure to build in support and accountability. “What do you need from me to put this plan into action?” “Let’s schedule time to check-in and see how it’s going.”
Manage Yourself
Now, is it ever that easy? Of course not. While it’s helpful to have a map for these conversations, no matter how prepared we are, it never goes exactly how we expect. People are complicated and will almost always throw a wrench into the conversation that we never saw coming. Or they’ll do something that seems perfectly designed to get under our skin – raise their voice, roll their eyes, or say that one thing that touches our most sensitive nerve And so, a big part of the discipline of these conversations is having a plan for how we will manage ourselves in the face of the triggers that could knock us off our game. First, we need to be aware that we’re triggered in the first place. Often, we become our irritation, or our anger. Instead, we need to notice it by tuning into our internal signals – I might notice myself thinking “here we go again with the excuses,” or that my breathing has accelerated, or that I’m starting to feel impatient. These signals are like lights on your car’s dashboard. When the “check engine” light comes on, you don’t smash the dashboard – you check under the hood. The same goes for triggers in tough conversations. Get curious about what the signal is telling you and take corrective action to get yourself back on track before you respond. If we don’t notice and manage our triggers, all sorts of unintended behaviours appear, and we can become the worst version of ourselves. Things start to escalate, or the other person withdraws, and we get further and further from a resolution.The Courage to Coach When it Matters Most
Being effective in these conversations requires the very best of us. It takes self-awareness and being a big person. But the 3×4 Coaching model provides everything we need to succeed. We need to enter the conversation with a generous mindset and clarity on our objective. We deliver a clear opening statement to get the conversation off on the right foot and then drop our agenda to explore the other person’s perspective before we jump into problem solving. It isn’t always comfortable, but the goal of coaching isn’t comfort. It’s about challenging someone to reach their highest potential. It requires the courage to speak up, the patience to wade through the discomfort, and the belief that the people you’re coaching are capable of more. Coaching is, at its core, a deeply human endeavor. It’s a skill that requires empathy, curiosity, and an ability to connect with others on a personal level. Effective coaching demands patience, insight, and adaptability, making it a uniquely human process. Yet, as artificial intelligence (AI) tools like Copilot and ChatGPT become increasingly advanced and widely used, the potential to integrate AI into the coaching process is becoming more apparent. Rather than viewing AI as a replacement for human coaches, we see it as a complement—a tool to augment the learning experience and extend the reach of coaching. Our approach, inspired by our company’s founder Dr. Peter Jensen, is rooted in the idea of AI as “the coach’s coach.” Instead of attempting to replicate the nuanced human interactions of coaching, we’re leveraging AI to sustain learning and assist leaders as they progress toward coaching mastery. AI becomes a tool that helps leaders get comfortable with coaching and sharpens their skills, rather than replacing the critical role of a human coach.Drawing inspiration from “The Coach’s Coach”
Dr. Peter Jensen has been known for decades as “the coach’s coach.” Over 35 years, his focus has been on empowering coaches rather than stepping into their shoes. He works to help them improve their craft and support their teams more effectively, offering guidance, insights, and tools to help them reach their potential. His role isn’t to be the head coach, but instead to act as a mentor and resource for those who are. This philosophy guided us as we considered the potential of AI in leadership and coaching development. What if every leader had access to an AI-powered coach in their pocket—one they could turn to for advice, guidance, and practice whenever they needed it? This vision drives our integration of AI as a tool that complements and supports, rather than competes with, human coaches.Understanding AI’s role in the learning curve
The learning curve is a familiar concept in skill development. It illustrates how people acquire new skills over time, beginning with an initial uncomfortable phase of struggle and slow gains, progressing through steady improvement, and then hitting the final grueling ascent to achieve true mastery. AI’s role is most valuable in the intermediate stages, where learners have built a foundation and consistent practice and support can help them to make big leaps up the curve.
High touch to learn
At the beginning of the learning curve, learners are stepping into unfamiliar territory, and progress can be slow and frustrating. At this stage, motivation, encouragement, and a safe environment to make mistakes are critical. This is where the presence of a human coach is indispensable. Human interaction provides the emotional support and expert guidance that learners need to build confidence and take those first steps.“The goal of this high-touch phase is to equip learners with a solid foundation and prepare them to apply their new skills independently.”For example, in our 3×4 Coaching program, leaders regularly report discomfort with delivering corrective feedback and therefore delay or outright avoid it. In the classroom, we are able to set them up in pods with their peers and, through a triad exercise, show that giving “negative” feedback can be a positive, developmental experience. With the encouragement (and accountability) of their peers, participants take the first steps up the learning curve and start to build confidence. This is not much different than learning to ride a bicycle. Initially, the learner needs someone to hold the bike steady, provide feedback, and offer reassurance. This hands-on support is essential for achieving balance and overcoming the fear of falling. Similarly, in leadership development, learners benefit greatly from in-person workshops or coaching sessions where they can practice new skills, ask questions, and receive real-time feedback. The goal of this high-touch phase is to equip learners with a solid foundation and prepare them to apply their new skills independently.
High tech to transfer
As learners move past the initial hurdles, they enter the middle phase of the learning curve. This is the growth phase, where they’ve gained a basic understanding but need consistent practice to refine their skills and build confidence. At this stage, AI can play a crucial role in supporting learners’ development. AI tools excel at providing scalable, consistent support during this phase. They can simulate real-world scenarios, offer constructive feedback, and serve as a resource for learners to practice and refine their skills. Our pilot programs have confirmed the value of this approach. Leaders who have used our AI tools report that these tools help them apply what they’ve learned in their training programs. For example, our AI tools have been instrumental in helping leaders simulate coaching conversations, deliver feedback effectively, and prepare for performance reviews. By practicing in a non-judgemental, low-stakes environment, they gain confidence and improve their skills before applying them in real-world situations.AI as sustainment
AI is particularly effective at supporting sustainment. To understand this, it’s helpful to distinguish between two types of motivation in the learning process: the motivation to learn and the motivation to transfer.“People are motivated to learn when they encounter new ideas, engaging experiences, or compelling stories.”The motivation to learn is rooted in intellectual curiosity. People are motivated to learn when they encounter new ideas, engaging experiences, or compelling stories. This type of motivation often requires a human touch—someone who can inspire and captivate learners, sparking their interest in the subject matter. These are areas where human coaches excel. They can create dynamic, interactive learning experiences that draw learners in and motivate them to engage with new concepts. The motivation to transfer, on the other hand, is about applying what has been learned in a real-world context. This requires an environment where learners feel supported and confident in their ability to succeed. Motivation to transfer comes from having access to resources, someone to turn to for advice, and a sense of accountability. These are areas where AI shines. By providing tools and guidance for application, AI helps learners bridge the gap between theory and practice. AI can simulate coaching conversations, offer tailored feedback, and provide reminders to keep learners accountable to their goals. It creates an environment where learners can experiment, refine their skills, and build confidence in their abilities—all while supporting their long-term growth.